Last Rite Lingerie

While I wanted to make this post about underpants that you wear in a coffin.

( 6 Feet Underwear?)...I basically already did that. Here and Here.

So, today's post is simply about funerary rites;

Who does what to their dead...and what you might need in general.

(This is an Asian (Japanese) custom. A photo of the deceased is wrapped with black and silver/white ribbon and hung in a prominent area of the house)

Ok. So, obviously trying to approach this topic with as much respect as possible. If you find errors or are offended, you can drop me a line on the contact page.

Let's start with the ancient Egyptians.

I've covered certain rites/rituals at the above post but let's get a little more specific.

Someone dies.

If they any reasonable amount of money, they'll be taken to the temple for burial rites.

This includes (but is not limited to);

Ritual bathing

Organ removal

Prayer ritual

and Mummification

This isn't as cut and dried (lol...a mummy pun) as it seems. The mummification is supposed to last approx. 72 days. During which time the 4 primary organs (Brain, lungs, stomach and intestines...but practices varied from nome to nome) are preserved in special jars, the empty organ cavities are filled with materials to avoid body collapse. The heart is removed, prayers are said over it. The rest of the body is covered in bitumen and spices. The heart is replaced, having a variety of charms set around it and finally, the wrapping which takes a while because several layers are needed to hold on to the magic charms set into the cloth and at each consecutive layer, a prayer is said to help guide the dead persons spirit to it's final destination.

THEN...the body itself is placed in a small coffin, which is placed in a larger coffin which is finally placed in a sarcophagus. Each of these receptacles is painted with various magical spells to assist the deceased in moving on.

The magic spells on the coffin and the walls of the tomb act as both protection and guidance in a the long...long...long journey through the afterlife.

If you had more than a little money, you could afford a tomb. On the tomb would be place

objects that one might need...clothing (underwear too), food, weapons etc...

The important thing to remember is that they were not meant to use the objects as they were, but in sort of "spirit form." That is to say, if objects (actual size, in miniature and even in written/symbolic form) were placed in the the tomb, they magically manifested in the spirit world for the dead person to use. Some objects were permanent (like, say...a chariot or a book) others were more consumable, like food, flowers, candy, incense and other smoke-able items...these needed to be offered over and over because they would be used up (like...if I light incense at the tomb...it will eventually burn all the way down and it's my job to burn more incense) or simply decay here in the real world)) Some were consumable, but bottled..etc...those were considered permanent (but Egyptians were still perfecting the art of distilling and bottling so...maybe bring the prince more beer cause it evaporated...hahaha)

I could go into further detail but I've got a lot of ground to cover so I'll have to move forward.

Alright! Ancient Kassam (Babylon/Sumeria/Akkadia)

To understand these cultures' burial customs, you have to first understand their idea of the afterlife (in contrast to others')

The Kassamites believed in a "one afterlife for everyone" policy. It was dark, dusty and didn't discriminate between who had lead a "righteous" life and who hadn't.

By contrast, the Egyptian (Kemetan) belief was a sort of idealized version of your normal life wherein, if you passed through all the tests/gates etc...you got to be in state of "the Silent Heart" Unlike the "heaven" of certain faiths...or they "happy place" of others...the Fields of Aaru were a place of relaxation vs/ toil, contented calm vs. joy and entertainment vs. occupation.

Anyway, the Kassamites were a surly bunch.

The "Kar" was a dark place under the mountains where there was no food, no water and nothing to do (apparently) but stand around wondering why it was so dark and lackluster.

There was never any explanation (in the texts I've found) as to why this was so.

I guess their gods thought..."meh...why bother?"

You COULD have food and water IF you had a family member or friend tending your burial site but I guess since no one alive today tends those graves there are a bunch atrociously bored, thirsty, and hungry spirits wondering around in the mountains north of Syria and Saudi Arabia!

EASTWARD HO!

India! Big place...Lot's of different burial customs so we'll stick to the "mostly" category.

Mostly...there are rights an rituals presided over by a Brahmin...the priests.

Mostly...people get washed and cremated

Mostly...they get flowers and prayers

But...depending on where you're from or to what deity you offer (it's a big place after all) the priests are different, the rituals are different and the offerings are different.

(This is a funeral bier but the dead body isn't in the big long box...how silly of you...you think they have that kind of space in India???)

The afterlives are separated into categories based on your karma. If you lead a decent life you get reincarnated as a new human, or a god if you did particularly well. If not...well...Hindu/Buddhist hells are very specific and nasty but at least you get to leave after a while.

I'll try to say this as delicately as possible. Buddhist funerary rites came directly from Hinduism...as Buddhism spread throughout the rest of Asia...so did their funerary customs.

(Check out this bombastic Vietnamese funeral setting!)

There are specific variants, of course:

(These are called "crocodile flags." Origin; Cambodia.

Purpose:To show that someone in the home has died)

I'm not going to pass on saying much about monotheist funerals.

Except to say that Isl*m absolutely forbids cremation.

(Except in tha case of Chinese Musl*ms...the government seems to take precedence)

Last in this section: the 66 permitted religious symbols allowed on US military graves:

ok!

Why did I bring all this up? Well...you might be wondering...if everyone is doing this ritual rubbish to get to the afterlife...what the hell am I suppose to do? My dad is Native American...my mom is Polish National Catholic! AHHHH!

Never fear! Afterpants is here to help!

We have to go on certain assumptions, of course...

1. There is an afterlife.

2. There is apparently some path or paths...possibly with horrible monsters, giant pitfalls, lakes of fire or other such dangerous things that I will have to walk.

3. While faiths vary on these re: the number, width and severity of the paths, most are reasonably certain that you will end up...somewhere...and also possibly return to this life...in which case...

4. "I did a good job this time???"

5. As every faith seems to have methods and means for walking these paths but none can agree on what those paths look like or what potential harm I might have I seem to need some sort of "all faith preparation."

This is where Afterpants comes in. Having studied ad nausea, rituals, beliefs, customs etc...we feel we can provide you with a certified "afterlife emergency kit."

In lieu of angels or your grandma meeting you "in the light" with a pan of cookies, Afterlife hereby provides this handy dandy brochure!

..............................................................................................................................................

Are you, or someone you know about to join the ranks of the Dead??

Are you worried that perhaps you chose the wrong religion or even no religion and that those choices will damn you for all eternity?

Well...worry no longer!

1. There is an afterlife so you should go prepared but not afraid.

If you put all the afterlives together into a medium or bell curve and take averages from each you will almost certainly want camping equipment. THAT'S RIGHT! Camping equipment. Regardless of your faith you've got a long journey ahead of you so pack it up!

You will need at LEAST a picture of these items buried with you. If you have the funds, you can have real items placed into a tomb of your choosing. If not, we strongly recommend miniatures of these items placed into your coffin or, in the case of many; into the base of your cremation urn.

Don't worry about the GPS. It will work fine. The afterlife has excellent wifi and telecommunications!

Afterpants recommends you have a replica of your chosen faith on hand. This will help afterlife denizens direct you on the correct path.

Afterpants strongly suggests you have some type of miniature altar with you at all times. Along with a place for your personal photo(this Kamidana is one example but can vary from faith to faith) you will need several types of offerings (or representations of those offerings) We recommend things like an alcoholic beverage, a seasoning/condiment, water and food of different varieties. All of these should be placed on (if real) or photoshopped into (if in illustration form) your personal altar.

While in the afterlife, you may encounter certain creatures who wish to do you spirit harm. We suggest you take along a weapon of some type; provided for you here:

Though some may prefer a more traditional method:

Another option to deal with spooky nasties is magic. Please feel free to print out this clip art and add it to your camping gear. Don't worry, on the other side, you'll be able to open the book and read it.

Lastly, though you may not know it...the afterlife can also be a place of perpetual boredom. Therefore, Afterpants recommends taking along representations (or even actual) of recreational activity, thus:

(Keep in mind, the use of representations of human beings may result in the manifestation of "spirit helpers.")

Some afterlives are dark...so there's a sun included in this one. Some paths are longer than others...there's a plane available. The food depicted will never run out. (This was out own invention...many faiths require live humans to tend the graves of their dead...however, if the dead already have food and drink carried with them...then help from this side is unnecessary.

Some dead may require other items as well...clothing for example...

And of course...last but not least...AFTERPANTS!!!!